Sunday, February 21, 2016

A mother never grows up

After we brought Arin to Singapore one of our friends passed on their baby cot to us. It is big enough for Evan to sleep in easily. Arin is too young to be sleeping in it so we kept nudging Evan to begin sleeping all by himself. We encouraged him to try it and find out for himself how much fun it would be to share his own little bed with his favourite soft toys Woody , Buzz and the rest of the gang. Tonight he finally agreed. So Amit in-spite of being awfully tired moved the cot near our double bed so that Evan could sleep beside us yet be independent. Evan excitedly brought all his favourties to his new bed. Arin was on my lap. I was humming a lullaby to him. And in no time my eyes filled with tears and my heart felt extremely heavy. A flash of the last four years I have spent with Evan zoomed by. I could not contain my feelings and I began to cry. My eyes were acting like a stubborn child not willing to stop. Evan sensed it immediately and peeped in to look at me. He worriedly asked me what had happened and I couldn't bring myself to speak. I hugged him and cried some more. While arin watched with his big black eyes in wonderment. I finally expressed to Evan how emotional it made me to let him sleep away. Every single night he has been beside me. Right from when he was just a little baby like Arin is now. I realized that I need him more than he has ever needed me. Tucking him in my quilt and singing to him did not seem like a routine any more. I realized that it is something I need to do, without that sweet ritual I might not be able to sleep or even breathe. The love in a mothers heart is as vast as the sky and as deep as the ocean. I was living that exact same feeling. The imagination of separating myself from my son itself seemed difficult forget acting upon it. There will be so many such moments when I will have to remain strong enough and let him live his moment of independence. There will be so many instances when I will want a little more of him while he outgrows it all. He will need me less and less. I will have to prepare myself for it. Every transition is inevitable. It will make my heart sink but will also make me proud. Tonight was just a slight start to all that is in store. The thoughts took me away to my mother. And I texted her saying that I miss her so much and that I could only discern how she must have felt while Sanket and I were growing up. Arin was asleep and as I placed him down I could hear Evan whispering to Amit that because Aai had cried he had decided to sleep beside me tonight. I was so overwhelmed. My baby is growing up. Real fast.