Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Yesterday while peeking into a photo album I saw a picture of my grandfather “Dada” (that’s what we all call him).In the photo Dada was smiling, the smile was saying ‘I know everything’. It was a smile of an old man who knew he was going to die, though he never left hope.
My mind was not moving ahead with the next pictures, that photo was so mesmerizing that I couldn’t help thinking about him. Since he has died, I have never let my heart think a lot about him, because it makes me cry. I just shoo the thought away if it sneaks into my mind. I can’t be brave enough for that. But the photo made me stay with his thoughts; I could feel his fragile body which was once so healthy that everyone envied him. He never fell sick for around 80 years in his life, he cured himself if he felt something go wrong with his body and the next day it would be just perfect! But at the age of 80 he fell sick, never to be fit again. He suffered severely for a year and then gave up….actually he didn’t give up, death must have given up and Dada must have smiled at death and said, don’t feel bad…am coming with you, I know its time.
He stayed with us for a year before he died. So the bonding between us had become stronger than ever. I remember feeding him liquids, while he begged not to. I remember taking him to the hospital while he pleaded not to. It was terrible to face such miserable situations in life, where you can’t stand brave yet you can’t run away too!
I cannot forget one instance when he was in Lok Hospital, he was in ICU for 15 days, his body as thin as linen. We couldn’t be with him all the time, though someone of us would be waiting outside, we couldn’t be close to him. We visited him when he was awake. The meaning of being awake to him had become realization of pain, he would keep whimpering, trying to explain how it hurt but lacked the energy to even speak. That day I wanted to meet him, touch him, so as soon as the nurse agreed to permit, I hurried towards the door, tossed my sandals away and went in. There he was to the right on a bed, to my surprise he was not only awake but he was spattering a few words also. The doctor was feeding him through the pipe in his throat. The doctor signaled me and asked him, “Who is she?” (Kon aahe ti?) He replied loudly in a clear voice, “She is my grand-daughter!!” (Majhi naat aahe ti!!) He said it with a sense of undying love; he wanted to convey so many things with that one statement! He wanted to let us know that he misses all of us, he wants to be with us, he loves us, he is bored of the hospitals and innumerable machines attached to his body and wants to be free! As I heard these words, I touched his forehead and I nodded with a smile! I pressed his head for a while, waiting for him to sleep. Going away while he was still awake was the hardest thing I could have done! As I pushed myself away from him leaving him alone with strangers, I clinched to my father and almost screamed with helplessness and dying hope. I felt belittle.
I loved him very much and I still love him. The difference being that I love him more now because I miss him too. He is everything that I would love to become someday. He motivates me even when he is not around. I feel his soul dwell in my home and I feel blessed. Love you Dada